


Things you'll do for Friends and Money

by Kivea



Category: South Park
Genre: Brotherly Bonding, Comedy, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Getting Together, Humor, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Misunderstandings, Romantic Comedy, Weddings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-07
Updated: 2018-06-07
Packaged: 2019-05-19 07:46:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14869628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kivea/pseuds/Kivea
Summary: “I need a date to my cousin’s wedding.”The statement came out of seemingly nowhere. Craig looked up to see the resident Jewish kid from his home town with nothing short of confusion, though the green eyes just stared back at him with an equal intensity. He put his soda down slowly, taking his sweet time about it, before turning round in his seat to face Kyle head on.“Excuse me but; what the actual fuck?”





	Things you'll do for Friends and Money

“I need a date to my cousin’s wedding.”

The statement came out of seemingly nowhere. Craig looked up to see the resident Jewish kid from his home town with nothing short of confusion, though the green eyes just stared back at him with an equal intensity. He put his soda down slowly, taking his sweet time about it, before turning round in his seat to face Kyle head on.

“Excuse me but; what the _actual_ fuck?”

Kyle took that as an invitation to sit opposite him. “Look, my cousin’s getting married and I need a date.”

“Ask your boyfriend.”

“If you’re talking about Stan, I can’t, I need a _real_ date. Or, like, a fake-real date, at the very least.”

“And you’re telling me this because…?”

Kyle huffed and gave him a suitably patronising glare. “I need _you_ to be my date.”

He kind of saw it coming, he couldn’t think of any other reason they’d be having this conversation if that wasn’t what he was going to follow up with, but that didn’t make it _okay_. He narrowed his eyes and brought the straw of his drink to his lips to suck on in the most passive aggressive way he could, just to draw this entire experience out a little bit longer.

Kyle rolled his eyes. “It’s a yes or no question, Craig.”

“It didn’t really sound much like a question, gonna be honest.”

“You are insufferable.”

“I am, which begs the question of why you need _me_ to be your date?”

“I can’t go to my cousin’s wedding on my own, I know what my mother and aunt are like, they’ll be hounding me all night about how we’re the same age and why haven’t I found a nice Jewish girl to settle down with yet blah, blah, blah.”

“So why don’t you find a nice Jewish girl to take with you?”

Kyle pursed his lips and looked down at his hands.

“What? What’s that look for?”

“Well, see, the thing is…”

“What is it?”

Kyle grimaced at the pressure. “My mom…really doesn’t like you.”

He wasn’t expecting that to be the reasoning behind it.

“If I take someone she actually approves of after the wedding when I tell her me and my fake-date have broken up, she’ll get upset and go on some kind of rampage. But when I tell her I broke up with _you_ , she’ll be absolutely thrilled!”

He stared at the redhead with a slack jaw. “You’re kidding?”

“Please! I really need your help with this, I can’t think of anyone else-other than Kenny, I guess, but-!”

“No, hang on a second, let me get this straight: you want me to come to your cousin’s wedding, who I’m assuming is that fucking asshole cousin that used to play with us when we were kids, sit through an entire day of schmoozing with your mother who apparently doesn’t even like me, so that, what? You can keep your sensitive little man-pride?”

Kyle hesitated. “Yes. Kind of. But-!”

“No way. Forget it, Broflovski. Why don’t you just pay one of the hooters girls, your mom would be plenty disapproving of that. Or, better yet, go find a real date?”

“I don’t have _time_ for a real date!”

“Why, when is it?”

“It’s like three weeks away, but I have a business to run, Craig. You think between work and keeping up what little of a social life I have, I have room for dating?”

It was no secret that Kyle was a very, very busy man. He and Cartman ran a chain of successful clubs, and it often found him away from home regularly. It was a partnership that had baffled many of the people who met them, but to those who grew up with them? It wasn’t as surprising. The pair were two sides of the same coin and when their brains were put together they could take over the world, despite how much they clashed sometimes.

“What about Kenny then?” Craig persisted, pushing the tray of fast food over to Kyle, who began munching away on his chips. “Why can’t you take him?”

“I mean, mom likes him yeah, but I know she’d hate it if we were dating. But Kenny has Henrietta, there’s no way my parents would buy it.”

“And you think they’d buy _me_?”

“I do, yeah.”

“You’re crazy.”

“I’ve planned this out. I tell them I didn’t want to tell them when we started dating because I knew she wouldn’t approve, and she’ll be so desperate to keep up appearances in front of the rest of the family that she won’t want to start anything there and then, because it’s Kyle’s big day.”

“And your brother? The whizz-kid?”

Kyle snorted. “I’d never fool him. I’ll tell him the truth and ask him to cover for me.”

“You think your brother would lie to your parents about something like this?”

“Trust me, my brother and I have lied about a lot of shit to our parents to cover each other. This’d just be a new game for him.”

“You’re that convinced I’ll say yes?” Craig asked. “You planned it out and everything?”

“No, I’m not that convinced you’ll say yes. But I knew you’d never consider it if I didn’t at least have _something_.”

It was true. Craig’s trust for adventures with his friends wasn’t very big, considering their habits of getting into stressful and potentially dangerous situations. He’d had to save their asses one too many times; patch them up or be an apathetic shoulder to cry on. If you wanted Craig Tucker to do something he had to have a good fucking reason to do it.

“Pay me.”

Kyle’s brows shot up.

“Pay me, and I’ll consider it.”

“If I’m going to pay you, it’ll be once the job’s completed.”

Craig threw his hands in the air at that. “How is _that_ fair?! How do I know you won’t just dock money for stupid reasons?”

“That’s _why_ it’ll be once it’s completed. I need to know you’ll have incentive not to half-ass it.”

“Half before, half after.”

Kyle’s eyes narrowed. “A quarter before. I’m not Cartman, I’m not going to cheat you out of money.”

He couldn’t even argue they spend a lot of time together, considering they were usually different ends of the company. “Fine, but you better _not_ cheat me out of money. It wouldn’t be the first time.”

It was a deal that the shook on, Kyle excusing himself to get back to work after and promising to send Craig a message with more information and a time they could meet up to prepare beforehand and settle on the payment. Once Kyle had left the restaurant Craig felt a mixture of nausea and pride settle over him. Partly at the prospect of spending a prolonged period of time around Kyle’s extended family, partly at the flattery that Kyle saw him suitable enough to use as a ‘fake-date’.

\--

“You’re fucking crazy.”

He sighed out at Bebe’s observation, rolling his eyes in response.

“I’ve never seen you treat our friends with a dredge of respect, and you think you can convince an entire room of people with perfect idealised ideas of romance because of a wedding that you’re actually dating Kyle Broflovski?”

Craig held up his hands in defence. “Alright, so it’s not exactly ideal, but he’s gonna pay me.”

“You’re doing this for money? Seriously?”

“I’m not gonna do it for nothing, am I?”

Bebe knocked their shoulders together as she laughed at his statement. They were on campus walking towards the café after their morning lectures, him with physics and her with biology, when he decided to tell her why he wouldn’t be about that weekend. It went down about as well as he thought it would.

“Seriously though? Are you sure this is such a great idea?”

“You’re always telling me to live a little, right? Try new things?”

“Yeah, like pot, not one of Kyle’s crazy schemes.”

He rolled his eyes at that. “You should’ve been more specific then.”

“When do you go?”

“It’s this weekend.”

“Talk about short notice!”

He shrugged. “He asked me a couple of week ago.”

“And I’m only hearing about this now?”

“I knew you’d never let it go.”

“You’re right!” she announced with a flourish of her hands. “I’m not! I’m going to mock you, relentlessly, for the four whole days I have you before you leave!”

“Knew it.”

“At least do a girl a solid and try get a piece of that fine a-!”

“Nope,” Craig cut her off. “No way. Stop right there. That is disgusting.”

“Oh come on, he’s got a certain charm to him!”

“I’m not indulging your old high school fantasies.”

“What’s the point in even having you as a friend?”

He opened the door for her as they arrived at their destination, pinning her with a disapproving look as she continued to babble on about all the reasons why Kyle was ‘hot stuff’. At some point he zoned out of the conversation as he sometimes did with Bebe, and instead got to picking out what he wanted to eat for the day.

“Promise me you’ll be careful, alright?”

He looked down at the change of tone, raising his brows at the request. “It’s just a wedding, not a meeting of mob bosses.”

“I know, but…” she shrugged it off and ran a hand up his arm. “That doesn’t mean there won’t be trouble. You ring me if you need anything, yeah?”

“I will. All the way from Connecticut.”

Her grin was wide and infectious. “And I’ll find a way to help, no questions asked!”

“Don’t lie, you do _nothing_ but ask questions, you gossiping bitch.”

“Yeah, okay, I’ll give you that one!”

When Friday rolled round he was packed, ready, and entirely unsurprised when Kyle sent him a message exactly five minutes before he was due to leave to tell him he was outside waiting. He grabbed the backpack he’d put aside for the weekend before heading down to the carpark of his building with a growing pit in his stomach that weighed heavier and heavier.

Kyle greeted him with a tight smile and opened the boot of the car for Craig to dump his stuff before they settled down for the journey to the airport.

He was thankful he knew most of the minor details about Kyle as the redhead prattled them off in ways that lead Craig to believe he was as nervous as Craig felt. He had mild diabetes, he didn’t own any pets, nor had he ever owned pets, his Super Best Friend was still Stan Marsh, and his ‘home’ was technically in South Park. He worked with Eric Cartman. He didn’t like the colour purple.

“My mom has a tendency to hold grudges,” Kyle explained. “She might mention anything that happened when we were kids, any fights we might’ve had.”

“We were kids.”

“I know, but she holds on to dumb shit.”

Craig shrugged it off. “I guess the correct answer isn’t ‘who didn’t I fight’?”

“Right, that isn’t the correct answer. Please do not say that.”

At least it got the redhead to loosen his grip on the steering wheel.

They were flying from Denver to Connecticut, where his cousin Kyle was from and where he was getting married. Apparently the rest of the Broflovski’s were meeting them there at their hotel which his parents had arranged. Kyle took the chance to learn as much about Craig as he could possibly learn in a short space of time, as well as planning out their story.

He’d googled it, ‘it’ being having a fake-date, and one of the first steps was to make a story so you were on the same page, simple enough they could both remember it and believe it. Craig imagined the redhead sitting on his couch watching cheesy romcoms instead of at his computer on google.

By the time it came to getting off the plane Kyle was nothing but a bundle of nerves.

“We’ve got this. It’s not gonna be that difficult, it’s not like we’re strangers.”

“She’s gonna give me hell for dating you. Maybe I should’ve picked Kenny. That would’ve been a disappointment but not enough to be mad about.”

“Wow, thanks.”

“I don’t mean it against you, I have nothing against you! It’s just-I dunno. She…”

“Broke you as a child so you’re perpetually afraid of her?”

Kyle scoffed and rolled his eyes. “Something like that.”

Craig took his arm and held him back for a moment, looking down into chocolate brown eyes. “We’re going to be fine. We’ve got this, and you’re a fully-grown adult who can make his own decisions on who to date.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Okay.”

“Good,” he dropped his hand and began to walk faster than before in hopes of ignoring the screaming voice in his head that told him they totally did _not_ have this. “Let’s go.”

The first person he saw was Ike Broflovski. From what Kyle had told him, Ike was accepted into college early to study in the science field, and quickly played the system to swap over to game design. It wasn’t much of a surprise considering he wore a t-shirt with a game logo on the front and a hoody that looked just as nerdy. The small kid had grown into his Canadian roots and was probably going to grow to be the tallest of the Broflovski’s, given that neither Gerald nor Sheila were particularly tall.

“Where’s mom and dad?”

Ike rolled his eyes at Kyle’s question. “Oh, hey Kyle, college is going great, thanks! Why yes, my first indie game was already released on Steam and received a positivity rating of 92%, so nice of you to care.”

“Don’t act like I don’t already know that, Ike, I own that game on Steam, so do Stan and Kenny, because I forced them to get it.”

Ike grinned wide. “Yeah, I just like to brag. Hey, Craig. Good to see you?”

Craig nodded in greeting. “Good to see you too. You got tall.”

“Thanks. People tell me that all the time.”

“Ike, seriously, where’s mom and dad?”

“Outside, in the car. Dad said he wanted to have a quick word with mom before you guys arrived, so wanted me to come get you.”

Kyle grimaced. “That bad?”

“You did only tell her like yesterday exactly who your date was.”

“That’s fair. How’s she taken it?”

“The initial shock has worn off; at the moment she’s claiming to only be upset that you didn’t tell her.”

“Yeah _right_.”

Craig shifted his weight from foot to foot. “Am I really that bad? I know you said she didn’t like me, but…”

“Mom overreacts to everything,” Kyle spat. “One wrong move and it’s like the entire world is ending, don’t take it personally.”

“It’s where Kyle gets it from.”

“Ike!”

The Canadian boy gave a grin that was the exact opposite of apologetic as he said: “Sorry!”

“Let’s go. We shouldn’t wait too long. And I really want to have a nap before we go eat somewhere.”

Craig wondered for a moment if one of the questions he should’ve asked Kyle was ‘how do I impress your parents enough for them not to kill me by the end of the weekend’.

The silver hybrid was parked up and waiting for them, with Mr and Mrs Broflovski sat in the front chatting away in a very animated fashion. Gerald noticed them first, smiling wide and shooting out of the car so he could hug his son, while Sheila lagged behind for a moment.

Her eyes locked on Craig. He felt a shiver go down his spine.

“Let’s put your things in the boot, then we can get going to the hotel and get you boys properly checked in. I got you a room, so you’ll be able to have some space to yourselves.”

“Thanks, dad.”

Gerald turned to Craig with a smile and a pat on the arm. “Nice to see you again, Craig. How’re your parents?”

He didn’t argue the point that Gerald lived in the same town as them and probably saw them more than he did. “They’re fine, thanks. Same as always.”

“Glad to hear it!”

He was almost surprised to find Sheila surface while they were putting their bags in the boot, stepping forward to pull Kyle into what looked like a bone crushing hug while Craig and Gerald packed two extra bags into the boot.

“Bubbeh! How was your flight? Not too rough I hope?”

“It was fine mom, thanks. Did you guys drive over?”

“Yes, so that we could pick up Ike on the way. I told you we’d be happy to give you a lift too, you know!”

“I know, but flying suited me better. I had work I needed to finish up last night before the weekend.”

“You’ll be a workaholic soon!”

“Nature of starting a big business, I guess.”

Sheila finally acknowledged his presence, turning to Craig with a smile that seemed to be genuine, but made no effort to approach him. “And look at you! I swear, every time I see you, you’ve gotten taller! You’ll be as tall as your dad soon.”

“Nice to see you again-uh-Mrs Broflovski.”

She waved her hands at the name. “Sheila is fine! Don’t you worry. I hope Kyle’s properly prepared you for the weekend!”

“I hope so too.”

She ushered the group into the car, Kyle volunteering to take the middle seat between him and Ike. Ike made a friendly jibe about him being the smallest anyway so it making sense.

“Just because my legs are smaller than yours doesn’t mean my mass is,” Kyle fought back. “You’re nothing but skin and bones. You’d fit in any space, like a tetris block.”

He was thankful that none of the attention was on him as they drove to the hotel. Sheila asked probing question after probing question about how Kyle was and what he had been up to before moving on to ask about Stan, Cartman, and finally Kenny. She’d barely touched on the blonde boy before Gerald announced they were at the hotel.

“You’ll be the floor above us, so we’ll let you get settled. Meet us in the restaurant in, an hour? Half an hour?”

“They don’t need longer than half an hour to get ready, Gerald, don’t be ridiculous.”

“Actually, mom,” Kyle started with a wavering voice. “I was kind of hoping to shower and stuff before we eat. We have been travelling, you know, planes make me feel kinda groggy and gross.”

This was apparently a reasonable argument for Sheila Broflovski. “Alright then, we’ll meet you in the restaurant in an hour. Will that be enough time?”

“That should be fine, thanks.”

Gerald smiled as he handed over the keys for the room and the door number. Ike brightened up as he looked over to his parents with what was probably meant to be a charmingly childlike smile that worked wonders when he was younger.

“Can I go hang out with Craig and Kyle for a bit?”

“Only if they don’t mind, don’t go bothering them if they want time to settle in!”

Kyle shook his head at that. “I don’t mind! It’ll be nice to catch up.”

“Alright then. You boys have fun!”

He gave a polite goodbye to the parents before following the brothers towards the elevators. Getting to the room was simple and they checked both keys worked before entering. Ike shot in like a bullet, the first to throw himself onto their bed face-first as Kyle and Craig dropped their bags.

The room was fine, nothing he wasn’t expecting, though the baffled look on Kyle’s face led him to think that maybe room sharing wouldn’t be as easy as their sleepovers when they were kids.

“Wha-a double?!” Kyle snapped. “Dad got us a-?!”

“Kyle,” Craig’s tried to keep the exasperation out his voice. “He thinks I’m your boyfriend. What were you expecting?”

The redhead floundered. “I don’t know. Him to give me the option?”

“At least you don’t have to share a room with mom and dad, like I do!” Ike whined as he rolled onto his back. “Though I guess it could be worse.”

“Yeah, you could have to share a double with Kyle.”

Ike gave an ugly snort of laughter at Craig’s barb, while Kyle glared at both of them as he fished around in his bag for his toiletries.

“No one’s going to force you to share the bed, Craig. You’re welcome to sleep on the floor.”

“It’s fine, there’s a couch in the corner, you can have that.”

“Me? I think you’ll find I’m having the bed.”

Ike swatted a hand in Craig’s direction. “Let him have the bed, Craig. If you’re gonna be glued to my brother’s side tomorrow you want him to have his beauty sleep, else he might become a savage monster and eat you alive.”

“I brought Craig so he could be my date, not so that you two could gang up on me.”

“Go take your shower, we have to go to the restaurant eventually.”

Craig found Ike’s company somewhat calming in the middle of the shitshow that he had agreed to. The youngest boy was a lot more talkative than he ever remembered him being, prattling away as Craig changed and got ready to have his first ever dinner with the Broflovski’s, telling different stories that helped calm his nerves.

By the time Kyle got out the bathroom, hair dried and face washed, the redhead had managed to compose himself properly. There wasn’t a trace of doubt on the boy’s face as he smiled over at Craig and extended a hand.

“Ready?”

Craig smirked as he threaded his fingers through Kyle’s. “Ready.”

Dinner went smoother than he expected. Apparently, Kyle’s ability to compose and act had come from his mother who had a warm smile on her face that was nearly identical to her son’s. If anything it just made the entire thing a little more unnerving, like he was waiting to be poisoned at any moment, but it never happened.

Instead Ike and Kyle seemed more concerned with asking about random members of the family and were fishing for information that they were probably meant to keep up with but didn’t. It was amusing to watch Gerald’s face as Sheila would impart some important piece of info that she seemed to expect him to know, yet this was clearly the first he was hearing about it.

“Also, Craig, I would recommend staying with Ike while Kyle goes to see his grandma,” Gerald advised. “Grandma Schwartz isn’t the most accepting.”

Sheila puffed up at the comment. “I’ve told her if she has a problem with Kyle, she can take it up with me herself!”

“I know honey, but that doesn’t mean she will. You know what your mother’s like.”

Craig spoke up in hopes of diffusing the situation. “I know how…difficult it can be, don’t worry. I’m happy to stick with Ike if Kyle wants to see anyone without me. I can take care of myself.”

It seemed to work as Gerald’s shoulders sagged with relief and Sheila’s furrowed brow smoothed out to make way for a thankful smile.

The Broflovski’s, apart from Kyle, quickly began to flag as the dinner ended. It seemed that travelling for so long had taken its toll on them all, and it wasn’t long before they had retired to their room. The late evening found Kyle and Craig sitting at the bar to go over a couple of things before the big day on their own, and it was the first time in a while Craig thought he’d seen Kyle actually relax.

“I mean, I researched Jewish weddings. I dunno how accurate Wikipedia is, but…”

“Don’t worry, it’s not that different. You should be fine. I wouldn’t have asked you if I thought it was gonna be difficult.”

Craig gave a soft hum of acknowledgement.

“We should have some kind of…guideline, though.”

“Guideline?”

“Yeah, you know. We have to act like a couple, right? So we need to know…what that’s gonna look like.”

Craig raised a brow, but kept his face passive.

“What do you…normally act like when you’re dating someone?”

“Don’t you remember what I was like when I was dating Tweek?”

He could tell Kyle was trying to hide his embarrassment. “I’m assuming you’ve changed since then.”

“Not that much. I’m bad at words. Better to use actions.”

“Well, I’m not letting you pin me to a locker in the middle of a hallway to make out, so think of something else.”

Craig smirked at the small victory. “I’ll hold your hand, give you pet names. Things like that. What do you normally do?”

Kyle’s hands found the label on his cider bottle, picking absentmindedly. “Mostly the same, I guess. My relationships never usually…last very long.”

“It doesn’t really matter what I’m like, we have to convince them I’m dating you, which means replicating your relationships.”

“I guess…”

Craig scowled at the redhead’s attitude. “This is your dumb idea, I’m not going to tell you what to do.”

“I’m not asking you to tell me what to do! I just-this whole thing is weird. I’m terrified I’m gonna fuck it up somehow.”

“What, she’s gonna call you out on lying in the middle of a wedding?”

“I guess not.”

Craig scoffed. “You need to stop getting so wrapped up in it. We’re gonna go, I’m gonna be the most convincing boyfriend you’ve ever had, and then we’re gonna go home and none of them will know.”

“You really think we can pull it off?”

“Sure, what’s so hard about acting couple-y?” he felt like it was the kind of question that was usually followed by fate’s swift hand of _assholery_ , but he had to say something to get the other man to cheer up and get over himself.

“You’re right. We’re gonna rock it. We shouldn’t drink too much though. It will start earlier than my hangover would end.”

“Need to be refreshed and energetic to face the full force of your family?”

Kyle groaned at the thought. “Yes, I do. Thanks for doing this for me, by the way. I know it’s not exactly…easy.”

“It’s fine. So long as I get my cash, I’m sure it’ll be worth it.”

Kyle gave him an exasperated look that was ruined by the smile that threatened to break out on his face. They finished up their drinks and retired for the night, sharing out the pillows and finding extra blankets in the wardrobe for Craig to use on the couch.

Kyle was out like a light, though Craig took a little longer to settle his stomach before he could bear the thought of sleeping.

\--

To say the morning was hectic was an understatement. They cleared up any sign that Craig had spent the night on the couch before the Tucker boy took the first shower, running the water far too hot in hopes it would wake him up in time to face Kyle’s critical family. Having the hot water pound against his back was enough to ease out the tension in his muscles before he got out and dried up, towel wrapped round his waist.

He took a moment to stare at himself in the mirror, running a hand through the dark locks on his head and steeling himself for the day. Acting had always been more Tweek’s forte than his own, but it couldn’t be that difficult, right? He’d managed to convince the town he was dating Tweek before they even started dating, how hard was this gonna be?

He groaned and ran a hand over his face as he mentally repeated to himself how it would all be worth it in the end before he left the bathroom to get ready.

He didn’t expect to come face to face with Sheila Broflovski.

“Uh…hi?”

“Come on now Craig chop chop, we don’t have all day to waste-Kyle I don’t care if you showered last night, you’re showering again now. Come on!”

“Mom!” Kyle was on the other side of the room with steadily darkening cheeks. “Get out my room! You’ve come, you’ve checked I have everything I need, at least let Craig get ready in peace!”

“Alright, alright, but only for Craig. I’ll be back in half an hour to make sure you’re doing what you’re meant to be doing and not fooling around or watching TV!”

He knew her words were innocent, but he couldn’t help the embarrassment that swelled in his chest. “I’ll make sure he gets ready, don’t worry.”

“Thank you, Craig! Come along now, Ike, you’re not finished either!”

Craig poked his head round the corner to see Ike on the bed with a grimace on his face at his mother’s words. The youngest did drag himself off the bed, stopping only to land a pathetic excuse for a punch onto Craig’s chest in a way that reminded him somewhat of something Clyde would do.

“It’s like I’m punching a wall.”

“Do you even lift, bro?”

The smile that lit up Ike’s face at his response was the most precious and dorkiest thing he thought he’d see all morning. “Bruh.”

“Come on, Ike!”

The pair disappeared from the room, leaving Craig with a flustered Kyle. He stepped out the bathroom fully and couldn’t help but chuckle as the redhead stormed passed him with an apology, refusing to meet his eyes.

“Dude, it’s like a sauna in here how are you not burnt?!”

He was nearly finished getting ready when Kyle finally left the bathroom, his hair styled and his trousers on. Craig would be lying if he said his eyes didn’t linger for a moment on the pale torso that looked like it rarely saw the light before he turned back to the mirror and continued to get some kind of look about his hair that wasn’t his usual ‘messy kind-of-on-purpose’.

When he was buttoning up his suit jacket he turned to Kyle, finding the man struggling with his tie without a mirror to guide him.

Craig stepped forward and wordlessly batted the hands away so he could take over. There was something pleasant about helping someone tie a tie, especially one that was of such a high quality. But high-quality ties just called for fancier knots.

“Sorry,” Kyle murmured. “I wear one every day, yet…”

“You still can’t tie it yourself?”

“I have ones that have zips in the back or clip ons.”

Craig’s lips pulled up in a lopsided smile. “Figures. There you go.”

He looked up in time for his eyes to lock with the chocolate ones below him. He forced out a smile as he admired the way the tamed hair kept out his face, freeing his eyes to be filled with light. Bebe had been right that there was a certain charm to Kyle’s looks, the hooked nose fitting in perfectly between the chocolate brown eyes. It took Craig a while to realise that the man did have a few faint freckles dotted about.

“You look good.”

Craig took a step back and spread his arms out to welcome the compliment. “Good enough for a wedding with your family?”

“Definitely. Do I…?”

“You look fine. Handsome, almost.”

Kyle reached out to land a playful punch in his shoulder.

Whatever moment they were about to have was broken by a rapid knocking on the door that drew an eye roll from Kyle. Sure enough as soon as he opened the door his mother bustled her way into the room, approaching Craig in a way that made him want to throw himself out the window.

“Well don’t you two make a handsome couple! You look wonderful, Craig-now, let’s get going, your father and Ike are waiting down in the lobby for us.”

Craig’s hand found Kyle’s back in an automated response, encouraging him out the room with a show of moral support. True to her word, Ike and Gerald were ready to go as they arrived in the hotel lobby and the woman of the house ushered them all outside and into the car with no time to spare.

The journey was short enough as Sheila asked each of the boys in turn if they’d forgotten anything, if they were alright, a reminder not to abandon Craig while they were there. Craig thought it was maybe an act of kindness, not wanting to leave their guest alone, but from the look on Kyle’s face he had a suspicion it was more of an act of surveillance.

They arrived at the venue to find they definitely weren’t the first to arrive. A wide selection of people stood milling about heading to the building, and they were barely even out the car before Sheila was already greeting people with open arms and wide smiles. Gerald managed to collar Ike and get a forced smile as Craig and Kyle hung back for a moment.

He watched the way the redhead sucked in a breath, the composure he’d built slowly beginning to crack.

Craig placed a hand on his shoulder and squeezed. “You work with Cartman, Kyle. I think you can handle a wedding.”

“I’m used to Cartman,” Kyle argued under his breath.

“Don’t be a pedantic fuck and just take my hand.”

It was enough to draw a wry smile, but Kyle took his hand nonetheless and Craig could see the worry melt away from the corners of his eyes. Craig put on his best family-friendly smile as Kyle dragged him towards the onslaught of family members he was about to suffer through.

It was a fucking good job he was getting paid for this.

The introductions were fast with the wedding due to start, but he couldn’t think of a time he’d been subjected to so many hugs in one sitting. Even a couple of people who gave him more sceptical looks seemed happy enough to approach and hug him the same way they did with Ike and Kyle, a few comments thrown his way about how tall or handsome he was, good-natured teasing at Kyle for his success, and less good-natured comments on Ike being next.

He was beginning to understand why Kyle felt like he needed a date.

The ceremony was as boring as he expected it to be. He didn’t have much in the way of experience when it came to weddings, having only attending them when he was too young to be paying attention – not that he paid much attention to this one – but there were a couple of differences that made no real impact on how interesting it was.

He was flanked by Ike and Kyle at all times. The three of them rarely broke up, and Craig was honestly sort of impressed by their dynamic. As it came time to attend the reception and have a meal he watched the bothers expertly deflect questions off each other in a strange ritualistic comradery. He wasn’t too shy to speak up for himself when he was addressed and included, giving his best polite smile and putting in a little more effort than normal.

“I’m gonna go say hi to Grandma,” Ike informed them as they found a table to sit at, their parents not far behind. “Then you can go.”

“Sure, thanks. I’m sorry if she asks you anything about me.”

“Oh, she will, but she’ll probably probe you about me as well so we’ll be even.”

Kyle relaxed in his chair as Ike disappeared, turning to see his parents still gossiping away with his aunts and uncles. Craig didn’t take his eyes off the redhead’s face.

“I hope that wasn’t too painful,” Kyle said as he finally met Craig’s gaze. “And that you’re not regretting this yet.”

“Don’t worry, I’m not. It’s time with you, so, silver linings I guess.”

He knew he wasn’t all that great at romance and talking sweet to people, so it was a bit of a surprise when Kyle’s face coloured pink and he looked away. Maybe it was just the surprise of it, but they were supposed to be dating. He was meant to act like a boyfriend all day, not just when they were being directly addressed.

He knew Kyle was too busy to date, but was he really that out the loop that a little teasing could make him blush?

Apparently Craig’s thoughts were shown on his face as Kyle looked up at him and glared, hissing for him to stop it. Craig couldn’t help but laugh at the redhead’s expense as he leant in closer, wrapping an arm round the back to keep up appearances.

“What? Can’t handle a little flirting?”

“I can handle it fine, I just-wasn’t expecting it. If you were planning on flirting you should’ve told me yesterday.”

“Then it wouldn’t have been a surprise.”

“Exactly.”

“I can stop if you want me to.”

Hesitation. Enough to light an amused smile up on his face, which Kyle quickly cottoned on to as his face flushed to match his hair and he said: “That wasn’t silent consent.”

“It sure sounded like silent consent.”

“It’s just because it’ll make it more believable.”

“Sure it is. I believe you.”

Before Kyle could retort they were interrupted by one of his family members from earlier who took a seat next to him, quick to grill him on what he’d been up to since they’d seen him. The last time they’d seen him must’ve been a century ago considering how much they, and Kyle, spoke.

There was a handful of relatives who stopped to say hello while Ike was gone, all of them giving Craig a once over before asking various questions that made Craig thankful for how well-prepared Kyle had been. How they met, how long they’d been dating, what Craig was studying at college.

They’d stuck to a simple story to follow; their own, but with the added bonus of three months’ worth of dating and two months’ worth of ‘official relationship status’. When anyone commented on how brave Craig was to meet the whole family already, he simply shrugged it off and credited it to the fact that they’d known each other so long it felt like they’d been dating a lot longer than they had.

By the time Ike got back Craig felt a little like he’d been put through the ringer.

“Grandma’s furious,” Ike informed as he sat down. “Mostly that our parents have let you bring Craig who, apparently, cousin Kyle doesn’t like?”

Craig gave a smirk that was all too proud.

“Wow, what happened there?”

“It doesn’t matter, it was years ago. Kyle should just get over it,” Kyle muttered. “I’m gonna take my turn. Wish me luck.”

“Good luck.”

Kyle stood but then hesitated, turning to Craig like he was seeking guidance. Craig gave his best, most charming smile and reached up to rub his palm against Kyle’s lower back in an encouraging gesture.

“Go ahead, babe. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Right,” Kyle nodded before he turned and disappeared into the crowds.

“Christ,” Ike muttered as he watched his brother go. “He’s so _awkward_.”

“Tell me about it.”

“I hope our family hasn’t scared you off yet.”

Ike was apparently a considerably better at this than his sibling. Craig shook his head and rolled his eyes. “Not yet. Kyle’s pretty full on anyway, so it’s not like I didn’t know what I was getting into.”

“Yeah, he always struck me as high maintenance. Is he? He totally is, isn’t he?”

Craig lent in with a conspiring tone. “So fucking high maintenance.”

Ike laughed at that, like there was a secret no one else knew. There _was_ a secret no one else knew. “Called it. I’m gonna hang it over his head.”

“You should.”

Ike was easy to get on with. The way that he spoke was somewhat fragmented, like he skipped from thought to thought, but he was interesting and insightful. His only downfall was his tendency to throw memes in the middle of his sentences, but between Tweek and Clyde Craig found he could never fully escape them. Not that he _wanted_ to.

They were getting along fine, chattering away about Ike’s latest game release that he insisted Craig needed to play to help his ‘future brother-in-law’ out, when the thunderous anger of Kyle Broflovski rained down on them. Just when he thought things were going _well_.

“Why are people asking me where my ring is?!”

Craig startled at the question, looking up to see furious brown eyes pinning him down. He narrowed his eyes at the redhead as he tried, and failed, to process the question. All he could come up with was: “Huh?”

“Someone just asked me about my engagement!” he hissed, stepping closer into Craig’s space. “What the hell have you been telling people?!”

“Uh oh.”

The pair turned to the youngest member of their group, a sheepish grin on the boy’s face as he let out a small, nervous laugh.

“That, uh, might’ve been me.”

“Ike,” Kyle’s voice took on a new tone, like he was actively trying to stop himself shouting. “What did you do?”

“Cousin Emily was questioning me,” he defended with raised hands. “She was saying about how her mom had said our mom had said she never even knew about Craig, and was asking if I thought you really loved each other and I was like, you kidding, Em? They’re so into each other they’ll be getting married next.”

“You said that to _Emily_?!”

“I’m sorry!” Ike grimaced. “I wasn’t expecting her to say you _were_ getting married.”

“She’s a notorious gossip!”

“This whole family is full of them, dude.”

“But you know her! She probably embellished it and took it back to Aunt Janet and-oh _fuck_ she’s gonna tell mom.”

Ike gave a pitying pat to the shoulder. “Yeah, good luck with that.”

“Oh no, you’re not off the hook, douchebag. It’s your fault we’re in this mess.”

Craig raised a brow as Kyle turned on him again, the fury having somewhat simmered now he knew who the snake was. “We can fix this.”

The dark haired man nodded. “Okay. Sure.”

“I don’t know how, but we can. We’ll fix it.”

“Stories happen. If anyone asks just laugh it off?”

Ike piped up at that. “Then they’d give him that pitiful look they always give him and they’ll be all like ‘oh Kyle, maybe one day’. Do you remember why you’re here?”

Oh yeah, to save Kyle’s pathetic man-pride or something.

“It doesn’t matter, Craig’s right. I can just laugh this one off. It’s not like I’m here alone, I have a boyfriend, if they’ve still got an issue with that then-?!”

“Janet’s coming.”

Kyle’s head whipped round fast enough to give Craig whiplash as he zoned in on whoever the fuck ‘Janet’ was supposed to be. Craig saw a woman with a striking resemblance to Sheila approach with arms stretched wide and an equally wide smile on her face. Kyle was standing in a matter of seconds, causing Ike and Craig to follow quickly behind.

“Oh Kyle! It’s so good to see you! Your cousin Kyle had been so worried you’d be too busy to come along.”

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world!”

“And Ike! Come give your Aunt Janet a hug!”

Craig tried his best not to laugh at the sour look on Ike’s face as he was crushed by the smaller woman. Any amusement quickly died when her eyes fell on him, raking up and down his body as she assessed his worthiness for her nephew. Out the corner of his eyes he could see Ike’s victory smile at not being the only one to suffer.

“And this must be _Craig_ , Kyle’s best kept secret to date! Why, you’re just as handsome as Sheila said you were!”

He gave a nod and a smile. “Thank you.”

“I hope you’re enjoying the wedding! I imagine it’s a little different to what you’re used to.”

“I haven’t been to many to compare it to, honestly.”

She gave him a wink and patted him on the arm. “Well, hopefully it’ll give you a good insight into what to expect!”

And with that, she was gone.

It took Craig a good ten seconds to realise exactly what she had been insinuating. As soon as it settled in the idea that, not only did these people all think he was dating Kyle Broflovski (not a bad catch, if a little dramatic), but they also were beginning to think he was _engaged_ to Kyle Broflovski, he began to feel a heat creeping up his neck and into his cheeks.

He heard Kyle choking next to him before Ike’s sniggers became full-blown cackles.

“Oh-holy shit, dude, you should see your faces!”

Kyle spun on his little brother. “Don’t laugh! This is serious! She didn’t even give me a chance to _say_ anything!”

“You didn’t need to; you guys look guilty as fuck.”

“Shit, that’s just gonna make it worse! Like it’s something else that we haven’t- _shit_.”

Craig managed to calm his heart long enough to grasp Kyle by the shoulders and spin him so they were face to face. “Kyle, I need you to look at me, and I need you to calm down.”

The redhead opened his mouth to retort.

“No, now is not the time or place, you know that.”

His jaw clamped shut.

“We’re going to fix this still. Together, alright?”

“Alright.”

“Shit just got gay.”

Craig shot Ike a scathing look over Kyle’s shoulder.

“Sorry.”

“Is there anything I can get you to help your nerves?” Craig asked, softer this time as he leant in closer. “You’re not going to be able to use that big brain of yours if you’re too worked up.”

“I-I think maybe we should get some food. Wait for this to play out a bit and see what comes back.”

“Sounds like a good plan, I’m fucking starved.”

Ike gestured to the food table. “You guys go first, I’ll mind our seats.”

The food was laid out in a buffet across the back of the hall, with a small queue they had to stand in while they wanted to go round. Craig found his gaze drifting back to Kyle every time he tried to look away and he felt that gnawing concern he usually felt when one of his friends was upset. Like maybe there was something he should do, even if for the most part he tried to steer clear of getting involved.

“Hey…”

Kyle looked up at him, brows pulled together to create a crease across his forehead. Craig worked on autopilot, raising a hand and pressing his thumb across the wrinkled skin in an attempt to smooth it out. He was always more comfortable with physical gestures than verbal ones. He felt the skin beneath his fingers begin to heat up.

“You’re thinking too much.”

When he tried to pull away Kyle reached out for his hand, holding it in place a few moments longer. He brought it down to his cheek, tilting his head into Craig’s palm till his lips were brushing against the skin.

Craig felt his heart thud loudly in his chest.

“Thanks.”

He wasn’t sure exactly what he was being thanked for, but he accepted it anyway. They made their way around the table as Kyle pointed out the different dishes to Craig and recommended his favourites. As they continued Kyle’s voice regained more of its strength as the last of his worries disappeared.

When they returned to the table Gerald and Sheila were there already with plates for food in front of them, Ike having gone to get his own. Judging from the wide smiles on their faces either no one had said anything to them yet or it hadn’t bothered them as much as Kyle thought it would. He was betting on the former.

The meal continued mostly without a hitch. He found himself laughing more than he had at the restaurant the night before, though that might’ve been attributed to him being more involved in the conversation.

As food was finished and music started playing Gerald excused himself to see his brother-in-law’s, and Sheila disappeared into a gossiping circle. Kyle followed behind them looking a little pale, telling them he needed the bathroom and wouldn’t be long.

It left Craig alone with Ike once again, the two of them sharing a look of solidarity.

Craig moved into Kyle’s seat and decided to continue their earlier conversation.

\--

It was going _fine_. No one had blown up, there was no rampaging Sheila running through the hall, and it didn’t matter anyway because Craig was supposed to be temporary. Why Kyle had to let it go to his head was beyond Craig, though Ike had mentioned that the redhead got especially tense when it came to matters that involved the family.

Neither of them had really picked up on how long Kyle had been gone. It wasn’t until Craig caught sight of his date out the corner of his eye that he realised it was a long ass bathroom break.

He cursed and turned to properly look at the distracted redhead. “What’s he doing now?”

Ike gave an uncertain hum. “It kinda looks like he’s drinking very aggressively.”

It was true. Kyle was standing at the bar with a bottle of wine and a glass, filling the glass up and then downing it in no time at all. Craig was fairly certain if he wasn’t somewhat conscious about this whole put-together façade he wanted to keep he would’ve just been necking it straight from the bottle.

“Oh shit, mom, ten o’clock.”

Craig’s eyes snapped across to see another redhead storming towards the bar with a fire in her eyes. The decision was made in seconds as shot out of his chair and made a beeline for where Kyle was drinking, forcing a smile onto his face as he arrived and whisked the bottle out of his hands.

Kyle let out a yelp of protest as it happened.

“I think that’s enough of that, honey.”

“But-!”

“Your mom’s on the way over looking very angry,” Craig muttered, ducking his head in to speak low and close, wrapping an arm around Kyle’s back.

“Shit, dude, I see her. Ike’s got her.”

“Yeah well let’s get rid of this wine and make you presentable before he loses her.”

Kyle raised a brow in confusion at that. “Presentable…?”

Craig simply dropped the bottle on the bar and raised his hands, adjusting the tie that had come askew around the dress shirt Kyle wore. He ignored the heat that was pouring off the gradually reddening neck as his fingers brushed across it and tried to focus more in on the raised embroidery on the green tie.

He patted Kyle’s front as he finished with a tight smile. “Ready?”

They turned just as the commanding presence of Sheila Broflovski arrived behind them. Craig put on the practiced smile he’d been wearing most of the night, making brief eye contact with Ike who stood behind his mother and gave a nod of approval and a thumbs up. He tried not to let his poker face break with the action.

“Are you planning on spending all evening drinking by the bar and embarrassing us, Kyle?”

Craig raised a hand to settle on the small of Kyle’s back in a desperate attempt to keep him calm. Kyle moved enough to put his wine glass down without breaking the contact.

“I’m not embarrassing anyone.”

She scoffed. “Guilt-drinking doesn’t suit you.”

“I’m not-?!”

Ike jumped in before Kyle managed to completely lose his temper. “I dunno about you guys, but I think maybe this is a conversation for, like, not cousin Kyle’s wedding, yeah?”

Sheila bristled at that and Kyle folded his arms across his chest, a smug smile of victory on his face.

“You’re quite right, Ike. I’m pleased to see one of my sons has his wits about him.”

The smug smile was wiped clean off.

“Kyle, come and dance with your mother.”

The redheaded man spluttered. “What?!”

“You’ve been avoiding the dance floor all night, it’s time to try it.”

“No. I’ll stop drinking, whatever, just please do not make me dance.”

“You plan on leaving your mother without a dance partner?!”

Kyle threw his hands in the air. “I’m not the only option! Where’s dad?!”

“Busy over at the boy’s table, apparently.”

“Well, drag him away from it!”

Her eyes landed on Ike, whose face paled instantly.

Kyle groaned at that. “Mom, please-!”

“Well if you’re not going to do it, I suppose Ike will have to, won’t he?”

Maybe it was something about the pitiful look on Ike’s face of a young genius regretting his decision to look out for his older brother, or maybe it was the fact he was supposed to be looking out for Kyle who was clearly getting far too stressed out by the whole ordeal. Maybe it was knowing that this woman didn’t like him and there was a weird need to either spite her or prove her wrong.

“I’ll be your dance partner.”

The trio of Broflovski’s turned to him with matching expressions of shock. There were some moments like these where, even though he was adopted, Ike really did look just like the rest of the family. Clenched jaws and wide brown eyes with eyebrows that were shooting up to their hairlines. It was kind of comical to see even if it was making him feel a little uncomfortable.

He cleared his throat.

Sheila recovered first, preening as she took his arm in her own and turned to her sons. “Thank you, Craig. I’m glad to see one of you is willing to be a good son to me tonight.”

There was a flash of panic as he wondered if the rumour that he and Kyle were engaged had got round to her yet, but he felt like not even the need to contain her anger at a wedding would stop her from exploding at that news.

“I haven’t taught Craig any dances,” Kyle warned before his mother whisked his date away. “I didn’t think…”

“Don’t worry, I’ll be gentle with him. I’m sure he doesn’t mind learning on the job, do you, Craig?”

He willed the blood pooling in his cheeks to leave. “I don’t mind. I tried to pick some things up from YouTube before we came, but…it’s easier to learn with someone.”

Her brows raised with a smile. “I’m impressed! Let’s see what you’re made of.”

He couldn’t say if dancing with Sheila Broflovski was anything like he imagined, because he had never imagined it. It never even crossed his mind that this would be a possibility for the evening, with Kyle so venomously saying before they arrived that he would not set food on the dance floor and so there was no point in teaching Craig any of the traditional dances that might come up.

It had been Bebe who had helped him learn what he had down so far.

“I know sometimes we can come across as a little…stiff,” Sheila started as she positioned her hands around Craig. “Compared to some of the other families in South Park at the very least. And no doubt Kyle and Ike paint us to be a lot more traditional than we are.”

“I guess compared to my family you’re more traditional, but that’s not a bad thing,” Craig reasoned. “Like dad says: take’s all kinds of people to make a world.”

“Your father says that, does he?”

“Yeah. I mean, I think he only says it when he’s given up on understanding why someone would do something he doesn’t like, but…”

He trailed off with mild embarrassment. He’d begun to ramble. He could count the number of times he’d rambled from nerves on one hand through his entire life.

The motherly smile Sheila gave him set him at ease at least. “That certainly sounds like Thomas. Are you ready?”

She was a strict teacher, quick to correct his position and tell him if he miss-stepped, but there was a smile on her face the whole while. As he started to pick it up she was less militant and more free as she allowed occasional bursts of joyful laughter through the dancing, and Craig found himself with a smile that stretched from ear to ear as they moved around the dance floor. He’d never been much of a dancer himself, but there was a certain pride he was taking from making a woman he so often saw disapproving looks from smile.

She placed a hand on her cheeks as the third song came to a stop with a smile. “I can’t quite keep up like I used to, I think it’s time for a break!”

“Before you go…”

Sheila looked up expectantly. She always looked like she was expecting _something_ from him.

“Well,” he scratched the back of his neck as he tried to figure out how to word what he wanted to say. “Kyle had a run in with one of his cousins earlier, and our relationship seems to have been…exaggerated.”

“Oh really now?”

“Yeah. I didn’t want you to hear from someone else and get the wrong idea, after…after we kept the fact we were dating quiet for so long.”

She raised a single brow at that, but he didn’t see any anger on her face. Yet. “So you’re warning me of rumours that my family may be spreading?”

“Uh, sort of. That sounds a little-I’m just looking out for Kyle. I know it’s upset him. I don’t want things to get worse.”

“Do you know which cousin it was?”

“Uh, Emily?”

Sheila’s face grew dark in an instant. She clicked her tongue and rolled her eyes, reaching forward to grip Craig’s arms and pull him in closer. “That girl’s always spreading gossip about my sons! She’ll soon get her justice, you believe me, Craig. Thank you for looking out for Kyle.”

“Sure thing. What are boyfriends for, right?”

He hoped that didn’t seem too forced.

If it did, she didn’t tip him off on it. Instead she gave him a comforting squeeze and a fond smile before spinning on her heel and bustling off through the crowds, leaving him standing on the dance floor uncertain of whether he made the right decision.

But it had been made now. He sucked up his doubt and went to find his ‘boyfriend’, who was sat at one of the tables right next to the bar rather than at it, with the bottle of wine retrieved and his brother by his side. When Craig sat down and took the glass he was nursing in order to down the contents himself he wasn’t expecting to be met with criticism.

“What are you doing?”

“Drinking your wine.”

“I meant with my mom!” Kyle hissed. “If she decides she likes you all of a sudden by the time this is over, I’m gonna dock points.”

Craig turned on him. “I _knew_ you were gonna dock money over trivial, dumb shi-!”

“Uh, guys? How about you don’t talk about these where hundreds of gossiping ears can hear you, yeah?”

The pair sat back in their chairs, but the glares didn’t stop.

“Besides, I think it’s kind of sweet that Craig learnt how to dance. Romantic, even.”

“Watch yourself, pipsqueak,” Craig shot out before turning back to Kyle. “I also…tried to fix the whole engaged rumour.”

Kyle and Ike paled in a comically synchronised way.

“I told your mom. Well, sort of. I told her that you’d spoken to your cousin, who was exaggerating our relationship, and that it had upset you.”

“Wha-what did she…?”

“She seemed okay?” Craig offered with a shrug. “She asked who it was, and then said Emily was always spreading gossip about you and would ‘soon get her justice’.”

Ike let out a breath of relief as a smile spread across his face, while Kyle’s eyes shut closed and his shoulders sagged.

“Is that good?”

“Not for Emily,” Kyle muttered under his breath. “And someone will probably get in trouble for unnecessary drama.”

“Well, throw me under the bus then.”

The brothers turned to him in confusion.

“Tell her that Emily misunderstood Ike, but that then when Janet spoke to me I, I dunno, made things worse or something?”

Kyle’s brows pulled together. “Are you sure?”

Craig leant in close to whisper trying to cover the action up by taking hold of his hand on the table. “You picked me cause your mom doesn’t like me, right? This’ll make sure it stays that way.”

He tried not to think too hard about the sad edges to Kyle’s expression as he nodded his agreement and squeezed Craig’s hand.

\--

It was bound to happen with them all sat near the bar. With the weight off Ike and Kyle’s shoulders, the mood had lifted and the banter came in full force. Kyle and Ike had sat him in the middle at some point before they picked out different family members round the room, telling him stories that had happened in their past. It was a whole new side to both of them, especially with some of the embarrassing ones they would pull out to get one up on the other.

“I should tell you the one about when Kyle was sixteen and our Grandpa decided he needed to have The Talk.”

“Please don’t,” Kyle whined, pulling his drink closer to himself. “Fuck, that day is burnt into my memory.”

“It was how the family found out that Kyle liked boys and girls, cause he got so mad at Grandpa for assuming anything in the first place.”

“But it didn’t stop him!” Kyle hissed. “He just excused himself and I thought I was in trouble or something-?!”

“-He came into my room crying, ‘oh Ike whatever have I done!’-!”

“-And then Grandpa comes in with me and Ike and tells me he’s gone and done research so he can give me a better understanding of safety!”

“So then Grandpa is convinced that Kyle’s dating that boy next door who always visits, and Stan and I just rolled with it for shits and giggles.”

“It was horrible. You were both _horrible_. You still are both horrible!”

Craig snorted with laughter at the idea of Stan pretending to be Kyle’s boyfriend. It was an act he’d seen the Marsh son play before, and it was overdramatic and horrendously embarrassing for everyone watching. “Stan’s done that far too many times.”

“You’d think he liked it or something,” Kyle drawled out.

Craig turned and smirked at the redhead as he spoke. “He’s gonna end up making a boyfriend jealous if he’s not careful.”

Kyle stuttered, the same way he had every time Craig had said something even remotely flirty or romantic that evening, and Ike sniggered away behind them.

“Don’t worry,” Kyle said as he composed himself. “He’s no match for you.”

“And I’m leaving!” Ike announced as he stood up, grabbing his coke. “I’m gonna tell the barman to stop serving you two before you do actually get drunk and throw up somewhere.”

“Being drunk doesn’t always end in vomit, Ike.”

“It usually does.”

The youngest bid them farewell, disappearing to find his parents no doubt. Craig watched him go before turning back to his date, surprised to find the warm brown eyes already on him.

He straightened in his seat, withdrawing the arm that was round the back of Kyle’s chair – _when did that happen_ – and tried to school his face into some kind of neutral expression.

“Ike might be right though,” Kyle muttered as he tore his eyes away from Craig and towards his wine glass. “Might be a good plan to call it a night soon.”

“Whenever you’re ready, babe.”

He was getting too casual about this.

“Do you wanna find your parents?”

Kyle nodded and stood, swaying for a moment as he did so. Craig jumped to his feet to try keep the redhead steady, but only served to knock into him. With a few awkward chuckles the pair clasped hands before going through the quickly diminishing crowd to find the rest of the Broflovski’s.

When they did find them, with the woman who he recognised as Janet, he saw they had an extra person he was very close to thinking he’d managed to avoid completely. Grooms and brides were usually too busy to speak to everyone, right?

“If it isn’t cousin Kyle!” the nasally voice greeted. It may have dropped in pitch over the years, but it still grated on his every nerve. “And I see you brought your date with you. I was wondering if it was one of the same kid s we used to play make believe with whenever I came to visit you.”

Craig gripped Kyle’s hand a little harder.

“Yeah, this is Craig. You remember Craig, don’t you?”

“How could I forget!” cousin Kyle exclaimed, eyes narrowing on Craig’s face. “He always preferred to act with his fists rather than his brain, quite barbaric really, but what I imagine you can come to expect from a small mountain town like South Park.”

Craig felt his blood beginning to boil. Maybe it was the added affect that alcohol tended to have on people, but he found himself unable to keep his mouth closed. As much as he hated South Park, he loved South Park, and he wasn’t going to stand by while an older version of that snivelling little-!

“Now Kyle, just because it’s your big day doesn’t mean you can be rude to your guests! You invited our family here, and that includes Craig.”

Janet nodded her head in quick agreement. “I think between you and Emily you’ve given your cousin Kyle and his boyfriend enough trouble for the night!”

“I’m sorry Aunt Sheila, I’m sorry Aunt Janet. You’re right that was uncivilised of me.”

Sheila turned to face her son, a smile on her face as she did so. “What was it you needed, bubbe?”

“We were actually thinking about heading off, if that’s alright.”

“That’s perfectly fine. You do both look like you’re ready for bed – _and_ some water to combat a hangover in the morning.”

Craig did his best to smother his guilty grin. He did a better job than Kyle did.

“You’ll have to get a taxi back, I’m afraid your father has done his own share of drinking tonight.”

“That’s fine, don’t worry about it, mom.”

Ike chirped up in the corner. “I can drive dad’s car!”

“Your father would kill you before he let that happen.”

“It’s fine, we can get a taxi,” Craig assured before he tugged on Kyle’s hand. “Come on, we’ll ring them outside.”

They didn’t talk about what happened until they were in the taxi on the way back to the hotel, Kyle turning to him with a wide smile on his face that lit up his very being with excitement.

“Did you see that?” Kyle pressed. “She told Kyle off! For me! And you!”

“I did, yeah. I was there.”

“She _always_ used to take Kyle’s side when we were kids,” he insisted. “Tell me off for not including him or being mean to him or letting my friends pick on him. This is…!”

Craig waited, watching the way a few red strands came free of the hold the hair product had on them.

“Thanks to you.”

“Maybe you just need to learn to talk to her,” Craig suggested. “You’re an adult now. If you act like a child, she’s gonna treat you like one.”

“Sometimes I worry she’ll never not see me as a child.”

“You’ll never know unless you try.”

The taxi pulled up and they rushed into the hotel, feeling considerably tipsier now that they’d been moving around and in the fresh air for the alcohol to take full hold. Kyle was laughing about something, lord knows what, but he had a laugh that was infectious and Craig couldn’t help but join him.

Kyle opened the door to the room, gesturing for Craig to go first with an exaggerated bow, and the pair stumbled into the room. Craig ground to a halt and spun round only to end up with an arm full of Kyle, both gripping each other as they steadied themselves.

“Thanks for inviting me,” Craig muttered as he watched the way the lights in the room danced in the chocolate irises below. Dark eyes that always seemed to pierce his soul.

“I’m glad I picked you.”

“Am I better than Kenny?”

Kyle smirked through red lashes. “Definitely.”

Craig cleared his throat and turned away from the redhead, rubbing a warm palm on the sleeve of his jacket. “Right, well. Good to know.”

“Craig.”

The deep voice pulled his gaze back.

“You don’t have to sleep on the couch.”

He wasn’t sure who it was who made the first move. It might’ve been him. It might’ve been Kyle. It might’ve been them both moving at the same time. Whoever it was didn’t matter as they fell in a mass of tangled limbs towards the bed, hands grasping out for some part of the other to hold onto, like they were using each other as an anchor in the slightly drunken haze of the world.

The rush of electricity that jolted through him drove him wild, tingling at every inch of skin that met skin. Kyle had him sat up long enough to start discarding clothes before their lips and tongues gravitated towards each other once again.

\--

Awkward was probably a good way to describe how he felt when he came to.

He was woken up by movement next to him and scowled as the person next to him was trying to move away, clinging tighter to the warmth and drawing them back in. He heard a faint voice trying to pull him out of his half-asleep state.

He jolted when he was awake enough to remember where he was and who he was with.

He shot up, looking down to see a naked Kyle in his arms, face flushed and shoulders marked with the evidence of the night before, skin flushed to hide the faint freckles across his shoulders and collarbone, instead blemished by the light bruising of too-rough kisses.

_Shit_ did he do that?

“Uh…” the redhead stumbled over his words, eyes flickering away from Craig’s face. “Good morning?”

“Yeah. Morning.”

“I-uh-well, my alarm was going off, so…”

“Right,” Craig shuffled backwards, feeling the familiar warmth of embarrassment burning his ears as he realised just how much he had been cuddling the other man and stopping him from moving. “Sorry. That’s-my bad.”

“It’s fine, you were warm at least, so…”

He dared a chance to look back to his roommate, who had propped himself up on his elbows. The ginger curls that had been tamed the night before had sprung loose overnight, framing his face and sticking up at all sorts of angles. Craig didn’t doubt his hair looked much better, but messy and out of control was a good look on Kyle. Nice to see him not so groomed, like he was finally free again.

“We should probably get ready,” Craig offered as he drew his eyes away from Kyle’s face. “You stink.”

“Hey!” the fire was back in an instant. “You don’t smell much better, you know.”

“I guess we should both shower then.”

He panicked as his words sunk in.

“Not like-I mean, separate. That wasn’t-I wasn’t-?!”

“Craig.”

He swallowed a lump in his throat, remembering that same way Kyle had brought him to the night before in vague fuzzy details.

But there was a sly smile on Kyle’s face now, one brow raised as though the redhead knew he had the upper hand.

He did have the upper hand.

Craig nodded and pulled himself out of the bed, grimacing as he cricked his back and shoulders. When he turned back to Kyle he felt himself grind to a halt at the intense look the fiery redhead was giving him.

“What is it?”

“Nothing!” Kyle startled at the question. “I-sorry, I didn’t mean to stare, _fuck_ I look like some kind of creeper that’s not-!”

“It’s fine. You can.”

Silence settled over the pair. He was at a loss of what to say.

“Do you want to shower first?”

“No, you can, that’s-we just have to be fast.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, sure as sure. It’s-just don’t take too long.”

“We can…?”

He couldn’t bring himself to finish his sentence, but apparently his vague gesturing was enough to tip Kyle off on what he was saying.

The redhead on the bed froze at the suggestion but nodded slowly. “To save time. We’re already here, I guess there’s no harm in…”

He wasn’t sure exactly how much time was saved. He watched the way the muscles in Kyle’s back rippled as he reached round and turned the shower on, stepping into the bathtub before turning to see what was taking Craig so long. He was quick to follow.

Water covered their skin as they moved around each other to clean, arms and hips brushing with each movement. As soon as the redhead’s back was to him again he was running his hands over the skin, soap washing away his scent, but not his marks. He spent extra time stroking his thumb over some of the love-marks, and he knew Kyle knew what he was doing.

When he had his own back turned, he felt Kyle’s strong hands mirroring his earlier actions, sending a shiver through him as two fingers traced down his spine. There was a moment where he nearly turned and took the redhead by the waist to-!

They finished getting ready without a word, though he knew the brown eyes were on him as much as his were on Kyle. It wasn’t until he looked in the mirror he noticed his own evidence of the night before, scowling as he tilted his neck to find a bruise just under his ear, in a spot he _knew_ was sensitive.

He looked up just in time to see Kyle’s smug smile in the reflection as the redhead returned to the main room.

When they got to reception they found the rest of the Broflovski’s already there at check out, Ike standing with the bags. Kyle headed straight to his parents to assist in checking out, while Craig took their bags to stand by Ike.

“Uh, dude?”

He looked over to see the younger brother biting back his amusement.

“You’ve got, uh…” he gestured vaguely at his own neck as indication.

Craig groaned at the reminder. “I know.”

“So long as you know.”

Sheila and Gerald joined them with Kyle close behind, all smiles and kind words, until Sheila noticed the first crack in their perfect story. Kyle was standing on the other side of Ike in a very purposeful way.

Like he’d forgotten they were still meant to be dating.

“Let’s get you two to the airport and then we can take Ike back to college!”

Craig tried his best to block out the two brothers whispering behind him as he followed Mr and Mrs Broflovski to the car. He assumed Kyle either didn’t care that his mother had noticed, or didn’t realise, as Ike shot in front as soon as the doors were opened and positioned himself in the middle, preventing Kyle and Craig from sitting next to each other.

Sheila shot him a look. Craig didn’t know what to do with it.

As they were driving back to the airport Kyle’s mother was listing off various things she expected her sons to do before they came back to South Park for a time. They agreed along with her complete with eye rolls as they drove along the road. Craig didn’t quite know how to react to any of it, so decided his best bet was to stare out the window instead.

When they arrived Ike gave his goodbyes while he was still in the car. Sheila got out so she could give both boys a hug while Gerald opened the boot, pulling back and keeping Craig there a few seconds longer.

“Don’t be a stranger now, Craig!” she pressed. “And you better keep up the good work at college!”

Waiting at the airport together? That was really gonna kill him.

They didn’t speak as they checked in, or as they headed towards where their gate was. Kyle only broke the silence long enough to request they go somewhere where he could buy some water or painkillers. Craig broke the silence long enough to laugh at him.

They settled down next to each other on the plane, resigning to a four-hour flight together, and…

“I am glad.”

Craig looked over to Kyle, surprised that such a quiet voice had come from such an explosive person.

“That I asked you to come. It’s been fun. Like, the whole thing, has been fun.”

Craig felt a smile blossoming across his face before he had time to stop it. “Me too. Considering it was a wedding with your family it was surprisingly not as painful as I was expecting.”

Kyle elbowed him in the side but said nothing more.

Shortly after take-off Craig jumped as a weight landed on his shoulder. He looked down to find Kyle’s head resting against him, neck at an awkward angle, and-!

He stirred the man long enough to push the arm rest up as his brain screamed for him to stop what he was doing. He shuffled till his back was more against the window and gestured for Kyle to use him as a rest.

The redhead didn’t put up a fight.

Ten minutes before they were due to land he woke Kyle back up and tried to ignore the strange pang in his chest when the redhead pulled back from his position cuddled against Craig’s chest, leaving a warm patch down his entire right side.

“Sorry…” Kyle muttered as he sat up and ran a hand over the mess of hair on his head. “I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

The time seemed to blur as they finished at the airport and headed to Kyle’s car, dumping their things in the back and plugging Craig’s postcode into the satnav. He felt a lead weight forming in his stomach the closer they got to home. Similar to the weight that he felt driving to the airport in the first place.

Soon it would all be over.

Conversation began to flow smoother again as some trashy song he decided to rip into came on the radio. They soon were talking and joking about the weekend and how much Craig had wanted to punch Kyle’s cousin Kyle as soon as the dork had opened his mouth.

They pulled up to Craig’s apartment. He was quick to get out the car and grab his things. It wasn’t till he turned to Kyle he realised what was keeping the redhead so silent.

Craig grimaced as Kyle grasped his trousers, fishing the wallet from the back. “Dude!”

“What?”

“What are you doing?!”

“I’m paying you,” Kyle explained. “You did the job I asked, I promised you complete payment after.”

“Don’t pay me, please,” Craig felt a little sick at the thought of it. “I’ll feel like a prostitute.”

“It’s not for the sex, it’s for the job you did,” Kyle argued, though he was putting his wallet away.

“It doesn’t matter. It’s still weird.”

“Alright then, your loss.”

Craig shrugged his shoulders and conceded that, yeah, it probably was.

“I guess I’ll see you when I see you then.”

“Yeah, I guess so,” Craig agreed. His legs were buzzing with a sudden energy to _leave_. “Thanks for the weekend away.”

“Thanks for coming with me.”

He left before he said something he’d regret.

\--

 “So?” Bebe drawled as soon as he stepped out of the science building. “How was the wedding?”

Craig grimaced at the question and tried to think of all the excuses he’d been planning in his head to tell her. “It was boring. Wedding-y.”

“Oh really?”

Shit. She was onto him. “Yeah. Ike was pretty cool I guess. Have you met Ike recently? Cool dude.”

A devilish smile crossed her rosy red lips. “Good to know. You know what’s not cool?”

“What?”

“The weather, so you wanna tell me what the hat’s for?”

He shrugged and tugged at the strings at the end of his chullo. “Felt like it. Spending so much time with the Broflovski’s made me nostalgic, I guess.”

“It’s got nothing to do with the nasty bruise under your ear that I caught sight of earlier this morning then?”

_Shit._

_Think fast._

“What, that? No way. I got that-uh-when I got back.”

“When you got back?”

“Yeah. I was so stressed. I went drinking.”

“ _You_ went _stress drinking_?”

“Yeah.”

“After spending, like, two days solid with the Broflovski’s?”

“Yeah.”

She scoffed and came to a halt. “Wow, how fucking dumb do you think I am?”

“I don’t!” he allowed himself to stop and face her. “I was just kind of hoping you’d take the hint and drop it!”

“No _way_ am I dropping this. You go away on some crazy wedding adventure with Kyle Broflovski, come back with the sluttiest hickey in the history of _ever_ -!”

“I’ve seen worse on you.”

“-And you want me to drop it? You’re spilling the beans to me, Tucker, like right now.”

“How about right never?”

She threw her hands in the air. “If you’re not gonna tell me the juicy bits at least give me some kind of sign that you’re not going to have a meltdown or something! Though, you’re probably the kind of guy who like, clams up when he’s under emotional stress.”

“I’m not going to have a meltdown- _or_ clam up. Don’t worry. I just…”

She raised a brow expectantly but gave him the space to answer.

“I dunno. It was weird. It happened, it’s over, nothing to see here.”

“I gotta ask: did he still pay you?”

Craig’s nose crinkled. “He tried.”

“Holy _shit_.”

“I didn’t take it! I felt a little bit like a prostitute.”

She laughed at that one. “I _totally_ would’ve taken it. Or asked for more.”

“Of course you would’ve.”

“So, what are you gonna do now?”

“What do you mean what am I gonna do now?”

She rolled her eyes but linked their arms together and pulled him in the direction of the library once more. “You know, about Kyle! Are you gonna see him again?”

“God no. Whatever it was…between us…stayed in that hotel room.”

She gave a soft humming noise like she didn’t believe him but finally dropped it with a wistful smile. He had a feeling once more time had passed she’d probably ask him for the juicy bits he refused to part with, what with her high-school attraction to the redhead, but he’d deal with that bridge when he got to it.

Instead he had other problems waiting for him when he got back to his flat.

Bebe left him to his own devices as he got a text from his mother asking if they could call, and he asked her to give him half an hour to get home. Gave him chance to grab a snack as well before whatever she had to say. As much as he adored his family, they weren’t known for having frequent conversations.

It dawned on him that he never _actually_ told them about the fact he was going to a wedding with the Broflovski’s as Kyle’s date. Something that, in a small town like South Park, probably made its way to them pretty fast.

_Shit_.

He raised the phone to his ear as he made the call, waiting three rings before the sound of his mother’s voice greeted him on the other line.

_“Hello?”_

“Hey, mom. It’s me.”

A sigh of relief. _“Hi Craig. I was wondering if you were gonna call this time, or if I’d have to chase you again.”_

“No, don’t worry, I’m here.”

_“Good. How’s college?”_

“Fine. Same as usual.”

_“And Bebe?”_

It was standard conversation with his mother. It was like she had a checklist in her mind of things that were related to him she needed to know the status of, and once she’d ticket them all off she’d completed her mothering duties and could hang up the phone. It made him let down his guard.

It was his dad who tipped him off.

_“Ask him about that Broflovski kid!”_

The words were faint, like his father was in the same room but not right next to her. She hissed her disapproval at his input, but Craig was too busy having a fucking heart attack at the confirmation that yes, they did know. And yes, they were going to ask. What was he even supposed to say?

_“Craig? Did you hear me?”_

“Uh-sorry, no, what?”

She clicked her tongue in disapproval. _“I said, I spoke to Sheila Broflovski today. Anything you want to tell me?”_

A chance to redeem himself. “Yeah, I’m dating Kyle. And I went to his cousins wedding at the weekend. It was horrible, would not recommend.”

You could hear her sigh on the other end of the line. _“Thanks for the warning, asshole.”_

_“Hey!”_ he heard his dad in the background again. _“Tell him to stop waiting for other people to tell us about these boys! I’d like one time where it came from my own son, not the fucki-!”_

_“Thomas, I’m trying to talk to him!”_

He waited as his parents bickered in the background.

_“Sorry, did you hear your father?”_

“Yeah, I heard him,” Craig huffed out. “Sorry I didn’t tell you guys.”

_“Well, we know now at least. How’s Kyle?”_

Another thing added to the checklist. It made warm fondness spread through his chest. “He’s fine, mom. Thanks for asking.”

_“I haven’t seen that boy in years. Does he still…run bars?”_

_“I don’t think you can call that place a bar!”_

_“Thomas!”_

“Dad’s right, it’s a club. They’re a little different.”

_“Well, excuse me, it’s not like I ever go out on a night.”_

He flopped down on his bed as he continued to speak. “Yeah you do, don’t lie.”

_“You’re right. I do.”_

“He still runs clubs. With Cartman.”

_“The fat one?”_

“Yeah, the fat one.”

_“You coming home this weekend then? I haven’t seen you since college started.”_

“That’s pretty standard, mom.”

_“Don’t sass me, boy. The Broflovski’s can see you, but I can’t?”_

He let out an annoyed sigh. “I can’t this weekend, but I’ll come next, I promise. I’ll see if Bebe wants to come back too. It’ll be nice to see everyone.”

_“Especially your parents.”_

“Eh, I guess.”

He failed at suppressing his laughter at her indignant exclamations and refusals to let him in the house.

They finished up their conversation and he quickly messaged Bebe, arranging between themselves when would be a best time to head off to South Park for the weekend. Shortly after they had he received a string of messages from Clyde and Jimmy, both whom she’d told before he could, demanding that he see them while he was in town.

Oh yeah, that was why he never planned anything with Bebe ever, because she was a gossipy little shit.

The two weeks passed too quickly as far as he was concerned, and despite his mother’s insistence that they needed to see each other because she missed him he got radio silence from her end until the day before he was due to come back, a message from her asking what time he would be arriving. He gave a very vague timeframe of about five hours, just to piss her off.

He and Bebe waited at the bus station for his dad to pick them up, the blonde girl full of bubbles and enthusiasm that even after living on the same street for so long his dad didn’t quite know how to handle. They sat in the back and planned their weekend, Bebe having pre-emptively arranged to see Clyde and the rest of their friends all at once on the Sunday.

His dad only spoke long enough to tell him they had plans that evening. Some dumb family dinner, probably, after his mother brought him home with such vigour.

The surprise the waited for him when he got home was not a pleasant one.

He walked into the house to see his sister on the couch, huddled up in one of his old hoodies she’d stolen when he left for college watching TV. His mother emerged from the living room wearing one of her nicest green dresses and pearls round her neck, a bright smile on her face.

“Hi,” he greeted, flipping Tricia off as he walked in front of the TV to get to his mom. “You look nice.”

“Thank you!”

“A bit excessive for family dinner, isn’t it?”

She had a twinkle in her eyes as she spoke. “It’s a special family dinner, so go freshen up. We’re heading over there in about an hour.”

“Heading over where?”

“We’re going to the Broflovski’s house!”

“We’re _what_?”

His mother’s smile faltered, and her brows pulled together in concern. “Going for dinner with-is that not alright?”

It had been _two weeks_. Kyle was supposed to have ‘broken up’ with him by now. Why on earth were they going to the Broflovski’s house for a _family dinner_?

“Craig?”

He looked up at his mother’s gentle voice as she reached out for him in a rare act of motherly tenderness.

“Has something happened with you and Kyle?”

The sound of his father snapping the paper open on the couch echoed through the room. “I should hope not, we’ve only just found out about them!”

“Thomas!”

“What? It’s true!”

Craig shook his head and did his best to force a smile. “No, mom, that’s not it. I’ve just-I’ve spent a _lot_ of time around their family recently.”

This seemed to make both his parents laugh as his father addressed his confession. “In-laws, ‘ey? You’ll have to get used to them eventually!”

“We can always call and cancel, if you’re not feeling up to it.”

He shook his head again. “Nah, we can go.”

A bright smile lit up her face. “Good. Go get ready, alright?”

He didn’t complain. Instead he went to his room, closing his door and fishing out his phone so he could ring the _asshole_ who, not only didn’t pay him (ignoring the fact that Craig actually refused the money), but now didn’t even tell people they’d broken up like they’d _agreed_.

The call was cut off.

The jackass was avoiding him.

He sent a flurry of angry text messages demanding an explanation before he went for a quick shower to calm down. By the time he got back he only had one response:

_I’m sorry._

No. He was not going to feel bad for the dumb wank-basket who had landed him in this position. He was going to remain angry because Kyle deserved his anger. He needed to know that it wasn’t okay to fuck Craig around like this. Needed to know that it wasn’t okay to make him hope that-!

He shook his head, forcing the thoughts to the back of his brain. He needed to stop getting fiction mixed up with reality. Needed to stop thinking that just because they’d had a wonderful weekend didn’t mean they wanted to date each other for real.

_It’s fine. We’ll work it out._

Bebe was right. He should’ve never refused the money.

He was ready to go before the hour was up, so took the chance to watch TV with his little sister while he tried to mentally process what was about to happen. He had to pretend to date Kyle, again, which was…going to be more difficult than the first time. He’d spent the last two weeks trying so intensely to suppress everything he was feeling that this information was kind of difficult to take in.

Maybe Bebe was right about that too: maybe he did clam up when under emotional stress.

His mother called them all to the door as the time came and they left the house, heading towards the Broflovski home. It was close enough that they could walk it, which his parents were probably thankful for as it meant they could both drink without worrying about who would be driving.

It was Ike who answered the door, all smiles and child-genius charm.

“Hi! Welcome! Mom says to welcome you in and direct you to the dinner table. It’s over there, you can see it from the door.”

“Ike! Don’t be smart with our guests!”

“Sorry, mom!”

The Tucker parents laughed it off and thanked him as they entered the house, Tricia close behind as she and Ike exchanged a quick fist bump on her way in. Craig hung back, and Ike seemed to get the message as he stepped closer and closed the door the slightest bit.

“How is he?”

“Uh, I think he’s about to have a meltdown.”

“He hasn’t told them yet?”

“Nope. Nothing. He’s been as silent as the dead.”

Craig swore under his breath.

“I’d say I’m surprised you came, but I’m honestly not.”

Craig pulled a face and put on a voice to imitate Sheila: “Don’t be smart with your guests, Ike.”

The pair entered the house fully.

“Ike, why don’t you go get your brother? Who knows what’s taking him so long!” Sheila ordered.

Craig stepped up. “I’ll go get him, first door on the right, yeah?”

“Yes! Thank you, Craig.”

He nodded and headed up the stairs two at a time. The door in question was open just a crack, allowing him to poke his had in silently to first get an idea of what he was about to deal with.

Kyle was pacing. He was in the middle of the room, pacing back and forth, biting down on his lip as he did so. Craig raised his fist and gave a knock on the door to alert the redhead to his presence, getting him to also jump out his skin at the noise.

“Jesus-dude!”

“Your mom wanted someone to come get you. It’s show time.”

Kyle grit his teeth, and Craig’s eyes were drawn to the fists clenched by his sides. “Right. I’ll be down in a second.”

Craig took the chance to step into the room.

“I said-!”

“I know,” he held up a hand to cut the man off. “But it’s gonna be real weird if I go down without you, considering they all think we’re dating now.”

“Shit. I’ve-I’ve really fucked this up, huh?”

“I wasn’t gonna say it, but…”

Kyle let out a sigh, deflating with defeat. “I’m sorry. I dragged you into this, and now you have to lie to your own parents too.”

“You act like I’ve never lied to my parents before.”

He got a humourless laugh.

“It doesn’t matter if you’ve fucked up or not. We’re here now, so we’re gonna have to just deal with it. You think you can bare to be my boyfriend for another night?”

“Like I have a choice.”

_Ouch_.

“Let’s do this.”

They made their way downstairs to find everyone bar Sheila at the table, the plump woman finishing putting the last of the food out for them. The last two seats were next to Tricia, who was sat opposite Ike and the pair of them compared some game Chinpokomon game on their phones. Once Craig and Kyle had sat down phones were whisked away on the instructions of Laura Tucker, who gave Tricia a warning look.

Craig raised a hand to Kyle’s shoulder and squeezed in hopes of getting rid of the tension in his shoulders that were hiked up round his ears. It didn’t help.

Kyle was in fact quiet through most of the dinner. Ike hadn’t been kidding when he described his brother as silent as the dead, and apparently Sheila was well aware of this as she didn’t address the boy once, instead choosing to speak directly to Laura and Thomas for most of the night.

He occasionally snuck glances at his ‘boyfriend’, watching as he ate listlessly. He felt like he was waiting for something. For some nuclear explosion that was going to have this whole thing going up in flames around them.

He didn’t have to wait long.

Kyle shot up from the table, drawing the attention of everyone else in the room. Craig fell stiff next to him, his eyes trained on the food on his plate with his jaw clenched as he waited for whatever-the-fuck was about to happen.

“I-I can’t do this.”

Out the corner of his eye he saw Ike turn to him with concern.

“I have to go.”

“Kyle, what’s the matter with you?” his mother snapped. “We have guests round, can’t this wait till after dinner?!”

“No, mom, it can’t!” his voice wavered as he fought back. “It-Jesus, I should’ve never started this in the first place!”

The sound of Kyle’s chair scraping against the floor as the man left the table and stormed upstairs sent a shot of pain straight through Craig’s heart. He didn’t realise he was even shaking until Tricia’s hand landed on his own and snapped his attention up.

“Craig, do you want to go and talk to him?” his mother asked with hushed tones.

He scoffed at that. “I think I’m the last person he wants to see, mom,” he spat out before rising from the table. “I’m gonna go. Thanks for the food.”

“Craig, are you sure you-?”

His mother was cut off by him flipping the middle finger at her, an act that was reasonably common in his family but he was trying to hold back on when in front of the Broflovski’s. Not that he was supposed to be making a good impression on them. They were supposed to not like him.

Maybe that was Kyle’s angle. Maybe he wanted a big blow out so their break up was more realistic.

“Wait!”

He stopped half way to the door and spun round to see Ike Broflovski standing there, half way between him and the dinner table that held the remnants of their families. Craig turned to him fully, not so much of an asshole that he was going to deny Ike a fair hearing after all the boy had done.

“I know that it’s like really clichéd and stuff,” Ike’s nose scrunched up as he spoke. “And probably ruins the whole bad-boy aesthetic you have going on.”

“Wow. Holy shit.”

“But…are you guys, like…” the smaller man groaned and tugged at the locks of hair on his head. “Do you like my brother?”

Craig had always prided himself on being in control of his emotions. He had slip ups here and there, and it was probably healthy to let them out a bit more – at least that was what Tweek and Clyde were always telling him. In that moment though? He wasn’t sure he could’ve done anything to control the sheer _panic_ that coursed through his veins accompanied by red hot _embarrassment_ that went straight to his cheeks.

Ike wasn’t an idiot. Hell, even an idiot would’ve picked up on it probably. “I knew it.”

“What does it matter?” Craig shoved his hands in his pockets before turning to the door again. “This shit was a bad idea.”

“Please talk to him!”

There were only so many times he was willing to stop for Ike however. He turned with a scowl that frightened boys older than Ike, but the Broflovski son stood tall in the face of it.

He reached for the door handle and let himself out the house.

\--

There was something comforting about the smell of coffee. He didn’t know if it was just the fact it reminded him of days spent huddled in the booths of Tweak Bro’s Coffee shop in their final year, stopping Clyde from crying while Clyde stopped him from punching himself in the face, or cuddling up with Tweek at Stark’s Pond late at night to watch the stars, thermos in hand. During his first year of college you could sometimes find him in the local coffee shop just being when things got a little too much or he got a little too homesick.

It still had that comforting effect on him, feeling every muscle relax as the smell permeated his senses. He could practically taste it in the back of his throat, the way the hot liquid would tickle and move through his body.

The blonde was at the counter, hard at work like he always would be, looking up to meet Craig’s gaze at the sound of the bell. A smile lit up across the pale face as soon as they made eye contact and one of his best friends in the whole world made him feel like maybe things were going to be okay.

“Hey! You’re here!” Tweek greeted with a wide smile. “You’re back already?”

Craig shrugged. “Yeah, we came back tonight.”

“You look like hell. Black, three sugars?”

“Yeah, that sounds about right.”

“Go sit down, I’ll bring it over. It’s, like, eight o’clock. It’s gonna be dead.”

“Thanks, Tweek.”

It didn’t take long for Tweek to join him at the table closest to the counter, the one they would always use when Tweek was on shift and his friends were round to totally not distract him at all. The black coffee was placed in front of him, Tweek with his own latte. Hazelnut, no doubt.

“What’s up?”

Craig looked up at the blonde who was using the rag he kept in his apron to wipe his hands. “Nothing much.”

“Come on, man, you’re a creature of habit. You being here late at night means there’s something you wanna talk about.”

Between Tweek, Clyde, Jimmy, and Token, he was never able to keep secrets. One of them would always crack him, without fail. “Yeah, there is.”

“Out with it then.”

“It’s…about Kyle.”

“Kyle Broflovski?”

He nodded his head. “Have you heard any…rumours?”

“What, that you went to his cousin’s wedding as a favour and now your parents think you’re dating?”

He hid his grimace by taking a large gulp of the hot drink in front of him.

“What’s up with that?”

“He needed a fake-boyfriend for this wedding, to get his family off his back. He picked me.”

“You?”

“Because he said his mom didn’t like me, so when we broke up she’d be happy about it instead of mad or something.”

“Jesus, dude, that’s kinda fucked up.”

Craig shrugged it off. “It doesn’t matter, now. Apparently she doesn’t hate me enough to not invite my family to their house for dinner.”

“Is _that_ why you look like you’ve been somewhere nice?!”

He hadn’t really thought about it, but now Tweek pointed it out, he did feel a little silly in his button up that was rolled up at the sleeves, tucked in to his jeans. “Uh, yeah. That’s…yeah.”

“So…how was dinner at the Broflovski’s?”

He launched into it. He explained how he’d expected Kyle to have ‘broken up’ with him a week after the wedding, how the big dinner had come out of absolutely nowhere and the _asshole_ wouldn’t even answer his calls about it. How the wedding itself hadn’t even been that bad – it’s not like they weren’t already _friends_ , they hung out, did things in groups, stuff like that. It shouldn’t have been a big deal.

But then…

“But then what?”

“I thought, maybe, it was because we were acting,” Craig started. “Y’know, like, I was calling him pet names and holding hands and flirting and shit, and it tricked my brain into feeling these fake feelings, but now…”

“You really ought to stop falling for people you’re pretend-dating.”

He snorted with laughter at that one, looking up with a raised brow. “Thanks. I think I’ve guessed that much.”

“Or maybe you need to just stop pretend-dating people and start just, dating them from the off?”

“It’s not like I _liked_ him!” Craig defended. “I’ve never thought about Kyle in that way. We’ve known each other forever! And then we were flirting and drinking and-!”

He snapped his mouth _closed_. The way Tweek’s brows rose to his hairline told him the blonde could finish that sentence fine on his own.

“He left in the middle of dinner,” Craig continued. “He storms off, saying ‘I can’t do this!’ and ‘I should’ve never started this!’, and everyone expects _me_ to do something.”

“Did you?”

“Yeah, I did, I fucking left.”

Tweek hummed as he looked down at his drink.

“Ike stops me and asks me-asks me if I _like_ Kyle.”

“He knew?”

“He was in on it from the start.”

“And what did you say?”

He hesitated.

Tweek waited.

“Yes.”

Sure, he hadn’t said it in so many words, but Ike had taken his silence as confirmation. It was no surprise if everyone else in the room hadn’t picked up on it too. He was surprised Kyle hadn’t. Or maybe he had, and this was his answer.

Tweek’s brows pulled together as he stared at Craig across the table. The taller boy could feel the hazel eyes burning into him in the way that they always had, with an intensity that couldn’t be stopped.

“What are you gonna do about it?”

He hesitated. “What do you mean?”

A bark of laughter. “Are you telling me you’re gonna sit around and mope?”

He felt a flush of embarrassment.

“That’s not like you, man.”

“Well maybe I’m tired of being like me.”

“That’s the most melodramatic thing I’ve ever heard you say.”

He didn’t pout. Honestly.

Tweek let out a sigh loud enough that Craig finally looked up at him. There was an oddly fond smile on the usually panicked man’s face, and despite the concern in his eyes he did look honestly a little amused by the whole situation. Craig couldn’t help but smile back. It was all a bit ridiculous.

“Jesus, I can’t believe you have a crush on Kyle Broflovski.”

“Ugh, don’t say it like that,” Craig muttered as he buried his smile in his hands. “It sounds so _lame_.”

“Yeah, but it’s true!”

He ran his hands across his face, pulling at his skin in hopes it would wake up his brain enough to come up with some kind of answer to this big looming question that was sitting over his head like the angel of death itself. What _was_ he going to do? Was it even _worth_ doing anything?

Tweek leant across the table, pulling his hands back in order to wrap them in his smaller ones, hazel eyes set with determination.

“You’re right,” Craig muttered, despite the fact Tweek hadn’t said anything. “You’re so fucking right.”

They spent the evening going through the various scenarios, batting ideas back and forth as they spoke. Tweek was very much an all-eventualities kinda guy and tended to lean a little on the pessimistic side at times, but Craig could tell he was trying his hardest. That just meant that Craig had to try his hardest too.

They would break only if someone came into the coffee shop, talking past the closing time of half nine. Craig offered to help Tweek close up before he left after the blonde had stayed behind just to help him out. Besides, it wasn’t like he’d never helped around the Tweak Bro’s Coffee shop before.

He didn’t find himself back on the Broflovski’s doorstep till ten o’clock, taking a moment to pray to the heavens for strength before he made an effort to knock on the door. It would be worth it. Even if it wasn’t the outcome he wanted, it would still be worth doing _something._

It came as no surprise when the youngest member of the family answered the door.

“I need to talk to Kyle.”

Ike folded his arms across his chest and gave his best 17-year-old glare. “Oh, so _now_ you wanna talk to him?”

“Please don’t make this difficult.”

“I asked you to talk to him!” Ike pressed. “And you walked away! Why should I help you now?”

“Because I was wrong! I was wrong, and I should’ve listened to you. And I want to make it right.”

Ike narrowed his eyes at Craig, searching for something. Craig hoped beyond belief that he found whatever he was looking for.

“Mom!” Ike shouted, barely taking his eyes off Craig. “I’m going out!”

“It is ten o’clock, Ike Broflovski, where do you think you’re going?!”

“To find Kyle!”

There was the sound of pounding footsteps and the beginning of an argument, but Ike shot out the house before she could wrangle him back. He grasped Craig’s arm and dragged him from the building, not looking back when the door opened and Sheila’s demanding voice started hollering down the street.  

Craig did. He saw her fall silent as their eyes met.

“Once you left, your parents stuck around,” Ike started as soon as he deemed it safe. “Trish did for a bit too. Long enough to tell me you’d be back.”

“How did _she_ know that?”

“She said you’re a fucking digbag, but you’re not, and I quote, the _worst_ dickbag.”

He felt a fond spark for his little sister. That was probably one of the nicer things she’d ever said about him.

“So, I listened in as our parents were all sat round gossiping, making all these wild theories of what happened. None of them realise it’s all fake. Well. Mostly fake.”

“What do they think happened?”

Ike shrugged. “They couldn’t really settle on anything. Y’know, your parents are pretty chill. They were very ‘if it happens it’ll happen’, compared to our mom who was ready to get the blood-hounds and hunt you out.”

“When did Kyle go to the club?”

“Not long ago. After your parents left. I think he was waiting for them to leave.”

It made sense. He would if it was the opposite way round.

You could hear the club before you could see it, loud music and pulsing beats. It couldn’t have been open very long, but as one of the few clubs in South Park it already had a fair few patrons loitering by the doors with cigarettes and cheap beer when they got to the entrance.

They made their way inside – another bonus of it being a small town and only having just opened its doors for the night being there was no bouncer on the door yet – and Craig had to take a moment to adjust to the loud sounds and moving bodies.

“This way!”

He allowed Ike to drag him through the club towards the bar. As they drew near Craig saw the familiar face of Kenny McKormick behind the bar, all charm and smiles as he served the people there. Their eyes met for a split second, light face quickly turning dark, before blue eyes snapped to Ike.

Ike raised a hand, giving him the thumbs up of approval. Kenny grinned and winked at them both, gesturing to one of the doors at the back of the bar. Ike guided Craig past the staff only line and towards the door in question.

He gave two knocks before he threw the door open and dragged Craig inside.

“I think hand-picking someone to spend some time there would work, see if we can get one of the manager from the other bars to head over and do a couple of weeks. Get a feel for exactly what the place needs.”

Kyle was sat at the desk in the middle of the room, tapping a pen against the arm of the chair, elbow on the desk as he spoke to someone on the phone. Brown eyes spared a glance at the door as it was closed. Once the realisation of who it was settled in he did a double-take.

“What-Cartman, shut up.”

Ike and Craig loitered at the door as the redhead continued staring at Craig, phone receiver at his ear.

“I’m gonna have to call you back.”

He didn’t wait for a response before he dropped the phone receiver back, knuckles white as he folded them together in front of himself, swirling his chair to face the pair head on.

“Ike, you’re too young to be in here.”

The boy scowled at the observation. “No problem, Kyle. I’m happy to help you clean up your messes without any gratitude.”

“There’s nothing to clean up. Go home, Ike.”

“I need to talk to you.”

The Broflovski’s fell silent at Craig’s words. He felt a lump of nerves forming in his throat, a split second where he wondered if this really was the right decision.

“Alright,” Kyle’s words were careful. Timid. Scared. “We can talk.”

But Craig couldn’t find the words he needed when he was prompted. The lump was fully formed, refusing to budge and allow him a chance to explain himself. To tell Kyle what he needed to say. Instead he was left standing in the doorway of Kyle Broflovski’s office like some kind of lemon, with the two brothers waiting for something that apparently just wasn’t going to come.

“Craig has a crush on yo- _ow_!”

Despite the three of them being kind of adults, Ike’s phrasing was horrendously immature. Craig’s reaction was also horrendously immature as he landed a solid punch into Ike’s arm. Kyle was the only one who seemed ready to handle the situation like an adult as he cleared his throat and gave his brother a pointed look.

“How about you wait outside for us, Ike?”

His first thought was to grab hold of the little shit and refuse to let him leave, not wanting to spend time alone with Kyle after that bomb was dropped. But Ike beat him to it as he slipped away before Craig could grab the hood of his jacket and he was left staring the older Broflovski down.

He decided the best response was to shove his hands in his pockets and glare.

Kyle cleared his throat, eyes flickering away for a brief moment before he captured Craig’s gaze and refused to break it. “I…I’ve been thinking that, maybe, if you want to, it might be nice to…”

Brown eyes closed. Kyle shook his head as if to clear his thoughts before sucking in a breath to speak.

“It’d be nice to go on a date. With you.”

Craig could practically hear his heartbeat in his ears.

“I-I know I’m not exactly…prime dating material,” Kyle admitted. “I’m out of town a lot, and my family is…high maintenance, and my business partner is Cartman which means that whenever we’re both in town we often have dinners together, but…”

“I don’t mind visiting new places. Bebe and I actually planned on having like a road trip when we graduate, and I have no idea where I’ll end up being when that happens. Your brother is like, twenty times cooler than my sister, and I hate Cartman about as much as I hate most people I come in contact with.”

Kyle snorted with laughter at that one.

“Besides, I think…”

Big brown intelligent eyes. Strong jaw. That mess of a ginger afro that he kept nicely trimmed to keep up with the look of a professional businessman, even at the young age of 22.

“I think it’d be worth at least trying.”

A shaky smile lit up Kyle’s face. “I’m sorry I exploded at dinner. I’m sorry I never told my parents we’d broken up. I’m sorry that-!”

Craig stepped forward and spoke over the redhead. “Don’t be sorry.”

Kyle’s jaw snapped shut.

“Don’t be sorry about any of it.”

“I could’ve handled it so much better.”

“Yeah, well, neither of us did. But we’re here now, however we got here, and we’re just gonna have to deal with everything else one step at a time.”

Kyle stood and began to walk round the desk, but didn’t break eye contact once. “I hope I can make it worth all the hassle.”

Craig reached up as soon as he was close enough, a lazy smile taking over his features. “You already have.”

Their lips met with equal parts passion and fear, and even if the drunken haze wasn’t prevalent like it had been before, he still felt lightheaded as soon as they made contact. The thought of Ike outside waiting for them to finish their conversation was pushed out of his mind as soon as Kyle had hold of the collar of his shirt, dragging him forward and guiding him towards the desk.

It must’ve been half an hour to an hour later when they finally emerged from the room to find Ike sat at the bar laughing and joking along with Kenny, who spun round to waggle his eyebrows at his boss and friend.

“Told you you’d end up having office sex in there eventually.”

“Get back to work, McKormick. Stop corrupting my brother.”

Craig couldn’t stop the smug smile crossing his face when Kenny turned round and asked if he had enjoyed his experience in the club so far.

\--

Kyle had invited him to join the redhead and his super best friend the next day, who had planned on going to the cinema. It had been Kyle’s suggesting that he bring someone like Tweek along, who had somewhat reluctantly agreed. It wasn’t like they were going to get much time to hang out while he was there, considering how much Tweek usually worked over the weekends. He knew the blonde would be busy the next day when Bebe had arranged to meet everyone.

At least this gave him a chance to interact with his _new boyfriend_ before receiving the judgemental eyes of his former classmates. He had no doubt that word would spread round their social circle of the real nature of the former fake relationship in a matter of hours once they’d been seen out together.

He chattered away to Tweek on the way to the cinema, swinging by the coffee shop to pick up a take-away cup for the blonde. It wasn’t until they saw the duo ahead that Tweek looked ready to have a heart attack.

“You never told me _Stan_ would be here!”

Craig raised a brow at the blonde who was gripping his arm like a lifeline. “What? Well, yeah, what’s the big deal?”

“It’s gonna be weird! It’s-like-we’re gonna have to sit and make small talk while you and Kyle eye-fuck or something what the shit man?!”

“We’re not gonna eye-fuck, Tweek, calm down.”

Tweek looked ready to claw his own eyes _out_.

“Hey!” Kyle approached them first, Stan lagging slightly behind. “Thanks for meeting us a bit early, I like be here for the trailers.”

Of course he did.

Kyle’s eyes snapped to Tweek in an instant as he slid up to Craig. “Tweek, do you mind helping Stan buy the tickets? I wanna talk to Craig for a second.”

The blonde looked up with wide eyes full of panic. Craig gave a helpless shrug.

With a small growl of frustration Tweek shot forward, grasping Stan’s coat and dragging the man towards the movie theatre. Stan, who looked a little bit like he was gonna vomit soon. Craig turned to see a sparkling in Kyle’s eyes that promised only misery and suffering. Mostly misery and suffering for him, because whenever that lot planned anything it backfired in the worst way _for him_.

“I’m gonna stop you right there,” Craig muttered as he wrapped his arms round Kyle’s torso, leaning in close to speak in his ear. “You’re banned from scheming.”

“What?!” Kyle pulled back with an indignant look on his face. “I’m not scheming! What are you talking about?”

“I can see the cogs in your brain turning don’t lie to me.”

“I’m-it’s just-it’d be _cute_.”

“What’d be cute?”

Kyle gestured ahead of them, where Tweek and Stan were buying the tickets side by side. Craig tried to resist the urge to roll his eyes. Tried, and failed.

“Yeah, and it’ll be cute without your input. Let it just _happen_. Don’t meddle.”

“Ike meddled! We wouldn’t be here without meddling!”

“We would, it just would’ve been…slower.”

“Exactly, I’m just gonna-!”

“Not tonight you’re not. If you’re gonna meddle you’re gonna wait for me to be out of town so I don’t have to be present for it.”

**Author's Note:**

> Surprisingly, even though I pretty much exclusively write Craig-ships, Tweek is the one I ship with most characters. Twenny, Twyde, Steek, anything. Let that boy be loved. 
> 
> I do have in my head an idea for what I'd follow it this story up with in regards to a Stan and Tweek story, so if the motivation hits me I might write it later.


End file.
